My Lowest Low!

I wish somebody would have told me 6 months ago that I would be unemployed with nowhere to turn before we decided to have a baby. This was not at all what I had in mind for this child. I can't think of a time in my life when I have been this depressed before. I don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, hear anything. I just want silence so I can be miserable with my own thoughts. I'm pretty sure I have lost the 2 best friends I had because I kept turning them away when they were trying to help. That's just not the way I function when I'm depressed. I have even found myself questioning my faith again. Why would God do this to me? I'm not a bad person. I actually thought I was a good person, a good nurse and now I have come to the crossroad where I have to decide rather I need to pursue another nursing career or give it up because Nodaway wont give me a good referral??? Its sad. I have built my entire life around nursing. I love nursing. I don't know what else I would do. Not to mention I would have my pay check cut in half if I went to a min. wage job. (my biggest fear) I deleted 60 of my friends off of Facebook yesterday. I just feel like nobody cares. People that I thought were my friends? There aren't any.

In my head I keep going over in my head what I could have done differently @ Nodaway. Why was I so bad that they thought I needed to be fired? There is only so much you can do on the night shift. We were doing everything we were supposed to be doing. I'm just confused. I am so full of hate and anger mixed with sadness. I don't know rather to tear something apart or just sit in the corner and cry. I wanted that job @ Village. I wanted it bad and had really gotten excited about it. It would have been perfect to have a day shift job.

I'm not sure what is next for us. Duane had an interview @ Wal-Mart yesterday. It went well. If everything comes back good on his background screening/drug test, he will orientate next week. This is the only thing we have left. If he can't get this job (and keep it) then we will be looking for a new place to live.

The Ultrasound is this Tuesday. An event we have been excited for this entire pregnancy but now I don't even wanna go. I can't be excited about bringing baby into our lives right now. Duane has been amazing through all of this. He is my rock. (or my glue) He has tried soooo hard to cheer me up. I'm just not in that place right now.

Hoping my next post is that of good news and some HUGE life changing event. A nun told me many years ago that the very last thing you can take from a person is hope. I truly believe that.