So what has happened the last 3 years??? Well...a little of this, a little of that. Some good and a lot of bad.
Let's start with the good.
Liam just had his 8th birthday! He is getting so big and I mean REALLY big. Last week, I had to go out and buy him a completely new wardrobe. New coat, jacket, shoes, pants, shirts, underwear...you name it. This is partly because he is a boy and partly because he has been quarantined since April of this year. We chose virtual learning for 2nd grade. I work almost every day so when I come home...I'm tired. Long story short...he gets very little exercise!! We are still trying to work up a fitness plan but its November now. I too, am to blame because the last 3 years I have been very depressed. (We will get to that soon)
I honestly don't speak to my older children very often. Kate moved in with Andy and Megan earlier this year and has struggled with depression herself.
Those that have never suffered from major depression will never comprehend how hard it is for 2 depressed people to have any kind of relationship that doesn't suffer just a little because of the disease. Some of our conversations have left me in tears. Some because I want to help her, some because I know I haven't been a good example/role model for her.
With Andy it's just different. I think we have a good relationship. He has his own life now and seems to be doing rather well. We talk seldom but when we do, it's never ever negative. Those of you that knew Andy at age 12-19 and prayed for us....God bless you my child!
Duane hit his 5 year cancer free mark this month!!!
I'm not going to lie. Marriage is tough. We argue almost every day. Usually about money or this stupid cat we have that he will not let me get rid of. (Cali) I really can't put my finger on it. I just can't stand her!
Now...the dark part. At the end of 2017, I had lost a bunch of weight, did some things I'm not proud of because for the first time in my life, I felt pretty good about ME. Learned a lot of lessons that year. In 2018, the depression hit. The I'm a horrible human being. I serve no purpose. I want to die....kind. More than ever, I missed Mom. I needed her. She wasn't there. I ended up getting fired from Pine View. I had worked at Pine View for 10 years off and on. Still to this day, I consider them family. (Well most of them). My DON and Administrator brought pizza to my house to talk and show concern as they knew I was going down the drain. (How many of your employers would have done the same?)
I ended up checking myself into mental health for a week. After a couple days, I felt so much better. I remembered who I was supposed to be. It didn't last long. In March of 2018, I uprooted my whole family and moved to Cameron. Why? I don't really know. I was running away. I had to. Cameron has been a great blessing and we love it here!!
The work stuff. I can't even count how many jobs I went through in the last 3 years but its been in excess of 10. Some I didn't even stay a week. Some were really good places to work but I would always find 1 thing that made me prefer to stay home in bed.
My primary doctor has been great but let's face it....I need a psychiatrist. I can't afford one. Because I'm a nurse, I think I get treated a little better as I have a very good understanding of drugs. We have tried many. None of them have worked. I do find that sleep plays a HUGE role in my mood. I swore off night shift and have been working in private duty nursing off and on all year. I think maybe I was just burnt out from the nursing homes. I guess after 25 years...that makes sense.
My new job is great! I have 1 person to take care of. I work 7a-3p 4 days a week...20 miles from home and pay is pretty good!
Having said all that...I still struggle to get to work. Why? I do very little while I'm here. For God's sake I have written this entire post while my kid has been asleep! I'm starting to accept that this may just be me now. 🥺
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